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 Opening Batsmen: Let me take you on a journey ladies & gentlemen way back in time, when everything was dark and silent. Then, God created the Earth with its mountains and oceans, the stars, the sun and moon, added all the creatures’ great and small and then of course came the man himself (let’s call him Adam). For six days and six long nights he worked feverishly and then on the seventh day God created cricket! Adam loved this game and so it was ladies & gentlemen that Adam became our very first opening batsmen. He had a thirst for battle, making him a hard man to shift. The ultimate innovator - a player of natural ability that put this great warhorse in a class of his own. Yes ladies & gentlemen, this guy’s been around since Judas was a dobber. Put your hands together for our very own ADAM JOHNSON

Opening Batsmen: Here’s a man of great substance, and of course a man no stranger to this line-up. With his no fuss attitude and keen eye, he’s taken his game to another level, showing great intent along with the grace of an Alf Stewart belly flop into the icy waters of Yabbie Creek. Just like Shrek boys & girls his skill with the blade, along with his rugged good looks and powerful physic makes this stalwart of the mound a much sought after favourite with the ladies. So show us some fanfare ladies & gentlemen for ALAN ‘SHREK’ CUSDEN

Number 3 (Captain): Right then ladies & gentlemen it’s come to this. If ever there was a need for leadership that time is now. A strong and uncompromising man is the order of the day, a man that will catapult us into the battle without fear nor favour, wearing the colours of the clan with pride. One such man sits amongst us tonight in this very room – a warrior of the mound born to lead the fight for the blue and white my friends. If we put our stock in him he’ll stand our foes and lead us to the Promised Land, the land of the Holy Grail. So gather round ye brothers, ye brothers of the Parker clan, as he leads us with his battle cry. Ye may take our lives, but ye’ll never take our beer fridge! So ladies & gentlemen of the clan get ya’ hands out of ya’ kilts and bang ‘em long and hard for KRISTIAN THOMPSON

Number 4: Ladies & gentlemen can I take a short moment of your time to alert you to the wicked ways of a young gangster on the rise. His penmanship is ruthless and clinical and he’ll let nothing or no-one stand in his way. This young heir apparent would not be out of place on the streets of Chicago during the 1930’s. Known to many as ‘The Bookkeeper’ he keeps his pencils as sharp as a flick knife and is not afraid to use them. Batsmen of the Park, don’t be fooled by his baby-face looks, he scores with the speed of a Gatling gun and you could be next entered in his ‘how out’ column. As Alphonse Capone would say – “What goes in the bookkeeper’s book, stays in the book”. Ladies & gentlemen I give you JOEL ‘SCARFACE’ BATSON

Number 5: Debuting for the All-Stars and batting at five is a real talent ladies & gentlemen. He’s turned batting into an art form. For we are reminded of his ancestors and the famous Italian artists of another time. There’s Michelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo and of course, Raphael. Thought they all pale into insignificance as he plays his shots, using the oval as his canvas to stroke the ball to all parts. Our man too shares the attributes of his forefathers, he has the speed and the fight, along with a shell as hard as a cat’s head. ART LOVERS OF THE PARK, please welcome the 5th NINJA TURTLE – JOHN-PAUL D’AMICO

Number 6: Our All-Star number six is a tough old son of a gun, a man of true grit and determination. When this man gets in you’ll need a crowbar and a backhoe to dig him out. When set he’s an absolute delight to behold with his shorts all round the wicket. As the runs flow like rain off a duck’s back, his defence as watertight as the windscreen of your car. Boys & girls, please welcome our All-Star debutant MR. DAVE WINDSHIELD, I MEAN WINFIELD

All-Rounder: Now, every All-Star team requires an all-rounder and I’m about to introduce to you good people a man called GATOR BOY – one of the all-time greats. He’s a hard hitting right hand batsmen and slow-medium bowler able to systematically tear teams apart. As testament to this man’s ample all-round talents, he’s known to have perfected the difficult and quite astonishing art of back-spin lob bowling. And with whip in hand ladies & gentlemen, when Gator Boy meets 50 Shades of Grey, he’s perfected the art of wrestling an alligator blindfolded and hand-cuffing it to the bed post. Hey ya all, here he is boys & girls, straight from the swamp. Whip ‘em out and bang ‘em together for PAUL ‘GATOR BOY’ MCCLUSKEY

Keeper: Some say this young dude is the ‘keeper of the future, and I’m with you on that bro. OMG when I saw this little behind the poles I got totes emosh. Whether it be to the quicks shaping and hooping, or to the slowies rippin’ the decks our man’s there, hat on backwards, pants hangin’ low, showin’ his Bonds and a little bit of arse crack. Ain’t nothing getting through here. PMSL. So white you’re ROFL’ing, LOL, how ‘bout some devil horns for JASON ‘SUG NIGGA’ CROFT

Spinner: The trick ladies & gentlemen to spin bowling is to practice the art of deception, to pull the wool over one’s eyes so to speak. And this old fox is the master of trickery, luring them in and leaving them stranded, not knowing their arse from their elbow. Known simply as the Magician, he’s been known to cut a batsmen in half on more than one occasion, spinning them left and right and making them disappear like the great Houdini himself. Ladies & gents, let’s pull a rabbit out of our hats for MERV ‘THE MAGICIAN’

Opening Bowlers: Be warned dear people of the Park, when these two come at you – you duck for cover. When they unleash their combined fury upon the batsmen it can be absolutely hair-raising. Yes sir, it’s the master and his apprentice. At one end the master who’s plied his traded into the wind for many a hot summer. At the other a young raw-boned colt charging in and bangin’ them into the turf with thunderous abandon. One without the other fails to cut the mustard ladies & gentlemen, but together the master and his apprentice can wreak unparalleled havoc – an ‘Everest’ to be conquered by even the most hardened of batting line-ups. Ladies & gents, whip ‘em out and bang long and hard for THE MASTER JASON BATSON AND HIS APPRENTICE AL HICKMAN

12th Man: All teams need a 12th man ladies & gentlemen and in the mould of Billy Birmingham the All-Stars have their very own weird rooster to carry the drinks tonight. This young man has the world at his feet with real rock-star appeal. What chicks don’t go for the Ritchie Cunningham? Put this lad in a fire costume and the guy selling the calendars will be busier than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition. Ladies & gentlemen of the mound, give it up for WACKO JACKO CUSDEN

 

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