Openers: All good teams need a solid start to their innings and this year we give you a couple of robust lads that’ll do just that. Legend suggests they threw away the mould after Ian Botham & Colin Cowdrey. Boys & girls of the mound this couldn’t be further from the truth. By simply scouring the bakeries of this great brown land they uncovered a white hope (nope to be confused ladies & gentlemen with the Great White Hound or his alter-ego, the Great White F***wit), a man who would set the blueprint for future batsmen – those that were both hearty of resolve and also of appetite. Known to some as the purveyor of pies or the master of meringue, but to many more – the King of Custard. My good people, GREG RITCHIE carried our country. It was not built on the sheep’s back as some would have you believe, but on his tree trunk legs, his ample stomach, his inflated man boobs, and the humble party pie. So here’s to the big boys of cricket, the ones that inspire a nation. Help me welcome to the stage of life, THOMMO & HICKERS

Number 3: Batting at three in this star studded line-up is a chick that oozes class. If allowed to dominate the bowling, it’ll be like shelling peas or shit off a Shanghai for this Princess of the Park as she sends the ball crashing into the pickets. At times said to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, this battle hardened broad can mix it with the best. So whip ‘em out and bang ‘em together for the Princess of the Park LORRAINE LEASE

Number 4 & 5: This year we’ve decided to open up with a bit of muscle and what a partnership we have here. Let me tell you, if these two get cracking it’d be like taking the Moran Brothers shopping at a gunsmith. All hell will break loose. Yes ladies & gentlemen we have the master and his apprentice, cutting a swathe through the bowling, with their blades flashing like light-sabres in a far away galaxy. The master in behind everything, the apprentice gung-ho and ready to take on the universe. Boys & girls when these two intergalactic heroes team up they’ll destroy a bowling attack as fast as a family pizza. And so it was – at the table one night, with chicken upon his lip and BBQ sauce on his chin – the master encouraged his apprentice. “Jason, use the force”. People of the park please make welcome BOGGY & THE NUGGET

Number 6: Ladies & gentlemen have I got a treat for you, a real ball-tearer in fact. A brutal right-hand batsmen straight up from the Whitlam era, the likes of which has not been seen since Lance Cairns kept whackin’ ‘em into the dog track at the Gabba. When this hard hitting dynamo cuts loose he’s more than a handful, crunching the bowlers to all parts & keeping the scorers as busy as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition. You may save “God Save the Queen” my good people, but nothing will save the bowlers from this hard-man of cricket. I give you MATTY WAKEFIELD

Number 7: Keeping wickets for this current bunch of misguided fools is our very own man of mystery. Battling at 007, he has a license to kill and that’s exactly what he does. Clinically removing all bowlers in his way with his specialty designer spectacles that reflect straight into their eyes. So it is dear Parkerettes, that if it’s danger and intrigue you’re looking for, with a ruggedly handsome man of mystery who loves nothing more than a good book, a glass of red and a good shag in front of the open fire, then we might just have the man for you. Boys & girls is that a gun in his pocket or are we just happy to see him? Our man of mystery JP D’AMICO

Number 8: Ladies & gentlemen one man stood alone as a shining beacon to guide this otherwise rudderless ship. Without doubt his flashing blade and cunning leadership draws little comparison amongst his peers. And so it is, dear brethren, whilst at our lowest ebb, galloping up from the shadows of darkness rises a new champion. Our knight in shining armour has arrive to lead us to a new and glorious era. A man that knows right from wrong, a man that knows a helmet from a hoodie, his car, from someone elses and yes my brothers and sisters, a man who knows CRUNCHY peanut butter from SMOOTH. Ladies & gents, I give our very own AJ

Bowler: This next guy was an absolute Adonis, a fair dinkum excitement machine ladies & gentlemen. A demon quick who loved nothing better than to bang one in and watch the claret flow. A punishing axeman of a bygone era, he was said to have fashioned his heavy bat from a log he snigged outta the cuttin’ out the back of Noojee – and used it to devastating effect. This old-timer might have lost his curls and his way with the girls, but would still cut a fine figure in his creams. So lock up your daughters and bang ‘em together for BIG HOWARD HUGHES

Bowler: Let’s talk about fast bowlers for a minute, the type with venom and a hatred of batsmen. In this very room tonight we have such a bowler. One that will give his all for the cause just to see blood on the deck. Thundering in using every muscle and sinew of his ample frame to pound the ball into the turf, he’s tough & mean and he’s mighty unclean. When this boy’s fired up he’ll come at you like a red heeler dog at a brontosaurus bone. No batsmen alive would have a snowball’s chance in hell, ducking & weaving as this big quick rains hell down upon their sorry arses. Ladies & gents put your hands together for JACK ‘RED DOG’ CUSDEN

12th Man: Ladies & gentlemen of the Park our next guest is a real crafty devil, as cunning as a shithouse rat and tough as old boot leather. Known on the street as ‘The Black Prince of WP’ or ‘Aussie Bob’ to his mates. Now if this bloke can’t get runs, he knows someone that can. If he can’t get wickets he knows this bloke down at the railway who can get him some. And if he can’t take a catch...well it doesn’t matter cause he’s got a shitload of runs and wickets. Ladies & gentlemen put your hands together for ‘THE BLACK PRINCE’ MR CHRIS GILL

Western Park

Select Grade:
Grade: WDCA:Division 1 Round: SF 6 Mar 21
7 Mar 21
8 Mar 21
Western Park   def by   Hallora
Grade: WDCA:Division 3 Round: SF 6 Mar 21
7 Mar 21
8 Mar 21
Western Park   def   Garfield-Tynong
Grade: WDCA:Division 3 Round: GF 13 Mar 21
14 Mar 21
20 Mar 21
21 Mar 21
Ellinbank   def   Western Park
Grade: WDCA:Division 6 Round: 13 27 Feb 21
Western Park   def by   Buln Buln
Grade: WDCA:Division 6 Round: SF 6 Mar 21
7 Mar 21
8 Mar 21
Drouin   def   Western Park
Grade: WDCA:U 16 40 Over Fixture Round: SF 6 Mar 21
7 Mar 21
Western Park   def   Ellinbank
Grade: WDCA:U 16 40 Over Fixture Round: GF 13 Mar 21
14 Mar 21
Western Park   def   Neerim District/Jindivick
Grade: WDCA:U 14 40 Over Fixture Round: SF 8 Mar 21
10 Mar 21
Ellinbank   def   Western Park White
Grade: WDCA:Under 12 Round: 14 24 Feb 21
Drouin   v   Western Park
1 Marc F Fleming111Division 43
2 Dale G Fawcett107Division 21
3 Joel D Batson104Division 12
4 Sam McMillan90COVID Cup: B GradeGF
5 Jack Barnes88COVID Cup: B GradeGF
6 Alex P Gavin87Division 31
7 Lane Ward84Division 21
8 Sam Cheeseman84Division 37
9 Adam Feltham83Division 23
10 Sam Batson80COVID Cup: A Grade5